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Aging Loved Ones – Planning with and For Parents
My Mother recently has a health setback and is now in a rehabilitation center. She has been blessed with good health until now and is making good progress with a program that is hard work. 
We are all hopeful that she will return to relative independence but are now trying to discern whether the home my folks have lived in since the early ’60s is still a suitable location. These are difficult decisions that I have been involved with for many clients. Now I am committed.
Being involved is quite different than being committed, as shown in the classic example is breakfast. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.
Changing living arrangements can mean looking at continuing care communities, assisted living facilities of varying sizes, memory care units, or nursing homes based on need, location, and resources. Nevertheless, the safety and well-being of your aging loved ones are as essential as convenience when evaluating their options.
For those of you who may not be forced to consider your options at this point due to dire health concerns. Here are a few suggestions about how to discuss with aging loved ones about their long-term care planning:
Avoid Procrastination
It is best to plan and prepare for any significant life event well in advance, rather than scrambling and making decisions in a crisis mode. Moving from one’s home, regardless of age, is a “significant” life event! Talk with your aging loved ones before they need to make the transition to long-term care. This will help take much of the emotion and anxiety out of the equation.
It can be stressful enough when you know you need to do something. It is even worse when you do not even know how to get started. In short, it is easy to procrastinate. Once you take the first step and open the dialogue, that worry can go away. The earlier you have the initial conversation, the more time you will have to research long-term care facilities without undue pressure.
Prepare Talking Points
You can do some general research about nearby facilities, using your knowledge of your aging loved ones to guide you. For example, if they are not particularly contrary to your spiritual beliefs, a long-term care center run by a particular faith group might be a good fit. On the other hand, if they love young children, you might want to look for an assisted living center that integrates visits with children from a local daycare into its scheduled activities.
Gather materials from several facilities and ask your aging loved ones whether they have any potential interest in any of them. However, before you invest more than a few hours into the information-gathering stage, ask them whether they already have strong feelings about where they want to live.
Small Steps
You do not need to engage in a marathon session to discuss every aspect of long-term care and reach a final decision. The “elephant” does not need to be consumed in one bite. One of the advantages of initiating a long-term care conversation before a crisis is to talk through and evaluate options at a comfortable pace. Hurried decisions made under pressure often lead to future regrets.
Each of these topics can be a separate conversation with your aging loved ones:
- Mention any of their relatives, friends, and acquaintance who have moved into some form of long-term care facility. Ask if they prefer options like in-home assistance, assisted living, a senior living community, or a “continuum of care” arrangement.
- You can ask if they have any specific facilities in mind. If they say yes, you can offer to collect more information and arrange a visit to the facilities together.
- After visiting several locations, you can offer to brainstorm with your aging loved ones, always leaving the ultimate decision to them.
Respect Their Right to Choose
In the end, my mother or yours do not need someone to dictate where she will live and when she will live there. No matter how well-intentioned, treating someone as helpless and vulnerable may cause resentment and lead them to reject the idea of moving into long-term care before it does reach the crisis stage.
Knowing that a plan has been explored can give you and your aging loved one peace of mind, so proceed at a comfortable pace for all involved. Open communication is a must.
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