Earlier this year I read A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles and came across this passage:
“For eventually, we come to hold our dearest possessions more closely than we hold our friends. We carry them from place to place, often at considerable expense and inconvenience; we dust and polish their surfaces and reprimand children for playing too roughly in their vicinity—all the while, allowing memories to invest them with greater and greater importance. This armoire, we are prone to recall, is the very one in which we hid as a boy; and it was these silver candelabra that lined our table on Christmas Eve; and it was with this handkerchief that she once dried her tears, et cetera, et cetera. Until we imagine that these carefully preserved possessions might give us genuine solace in the face of a lost companion.”
While I don’t think Amor Towles was thinking about estate planning when writing this book, as an estate planning attorney this passage really resonated with me.
The Meaning Behind Our Things
Our possessions tell the stories of our lives. They remind us of the people and moments that shaped us.
For me, it’s books. When I was a child, every time I visited my grandfather, I left with a book. Over time, those books became more than just physical items. They became reminders of him and the book-loving bond we shared.
We all have those objects that carry more weight than their physical form. They’re symbols of connection. That’s why, when a loved one dies, sorting through “the stuff” can be one of the hardest parts of administering an estate. It’s not just about deciding who gets what. It’s about facing memories, grief, and gratitude all at once.
When the Emotional Becomes Practical
As estate planning attorneys, we walk with families through this process every day, from sorting through a parent’s home to finding comfort in a keepsake like a folded flag or a childhood toy soldier. Those small items, chosen with care, become sacred in their own way.
Often, the items worth the most emotionally are worth very little on paper. But when planning isn’t done ahead of time, those same items can lead to confusion or conflict among even the most loving families.
In addition to your Will or Trust, one of the best ways to make this process easier for your loved ones is through an estate planning letter. This document allows you to specify who should receive particular items. It gives you the chance to think intentionally about what matters most and to leave behind not just the things themselves, but the meaning attached to them.
Letting Objects Serve the Memory
Amor Towles reminds us that while possessions hold deep meaning, they are not replacements for the people we’ve loved. Thoughtful estate planning helps preserve both the memories and the relationships without leaving behind uncertainty or conflict.
In the end, dividing the stuff isn’t about things at all. It’s about legacy, love, and helping those you care about move forward with peace.
